By Victor Farinelli
Hello, my name is Victor, and I am an asshole (Hi,Victor). I am officially in asshole relapse mode. I don’t know what has come over me. Everytime I try not to be an asshole, the compulsion takes over. So, I have accepted my assholism and will embrace it. Today is a new day. I feel like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon. I am going to spread my wings and fly! *grin*
*single tear* *sunbeam and rainbows*
First, I want to open up with this: I don’t give two shits and one fuck whether someone wants to be on TV in a tattoo contest. If they do, more power to ‘em. Hell, we all gotta pay the bills. Does it make the tattoo industry look bad? Yes, in some ways it does. Mostly because the majority of the folks who want to be on the show are not in it for the craft. They are in it for the fame.
These fame-seeking asshats, out to become “tattoo famous” are egotistical hacks that don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. Generally, there are a couple of contestants that are decent tattoo artists that just need to pay some bills and they figure, “What the hell?” I’m cool with that. Is it going to make everyone who comes in to a tattoo shop think that they must have some special story behind the tattoo they want and expect a camera on them at all times? Probably not. The industry will still produce incredible artists that have been taught the history of the craft, as well as the skill it takes to produce good work. Good shops know how to handle unsavory customers. As Dave Lum would say, “Boy, I think you’re in the wrong shop.”
Well, I might as well get to it. The guest judge was Ray J. You know, the goofy bastard that “Hit It First”? Vocoded Douchington! The contestants were required to draw a painting with regular and blacklight paint. A few were good; most were bad. The top two were Teresa and Jerod. Teresa did a pretty damn good painting. There was a good transition between the regular paint and the black light plant. Jerod’s was a turd. Ray J got to pick the winner, and he picked Jerod. Way to win $1500 dollars with wack shit. Ray J probably picked the dude because he thinks the only thing that women are good for are golden showers and home made porn films. Oh yeah, R. Kelly is the golden shower expert. Real Talk.
For the tattoo challenge, contestants had to incorporate UV tattoo ink into their “skins’” tattoos. Skins. How fucking moronic. Pan to D.J. making an excuse for why he’s never used UV, because of some shit about black light ink not being out long enough for anyone to really use it. I’m still going to call bullshit. I remember seeing a picture in a tattoo magazine in the early ‘90s of a tattoo done with UV ink. I know UV ink is raver-dumb, and nobody gives a shit, but it has been around for a while. This is what I mean by asshats saying some stupid shit. “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” Well, I guess I would fall into that category too, so who am I to judge? (See paragraph one for definition of who I am.)
The stories for this episode are that each client has a secret. Whatever. I have a secret. I secretly wish to seriously kick the producers of this sideshow in the crotchal area. They were lame secrets at that. Hell, people share better secrets on Facebook.
Anyway, on to the highlights in dimwittedness. Teresa’s client wanted lettering in her tattoo. Unfortunately, she relied too much on her client knowing how to spell. She spelled Philippians wrong: “Phillipians.” Oops. She asked her client to double check the spelling to make sure it was spelled right. Most of the US spells at grade school level. I may be one of them. My spelling is atrocious (thank you spell check for correcting atrocious for me). But, come on, this is the information age. Google it, girl.
Dumb-ass Derek (ooooh that has a nice ring to it) asked his client, “What’s it like getting the best tattoo of your life?” I know! I was thinking the same thing as you! What an arrogant nut-stain. Then he says that his client is never going to get another tattoo that is the caliber that he can give his client. I know! What an egotistical fuck-fairy. Derek, how does it feel sounding like a defective-ass, pinheaded, douchebag on TV? For someone who has been tattooing for over 10 years, your shit is pretty weak. There are tons of tattooists way better than you that have been tattooing for far less time. More Real Talk.
The top three this week were Brittany, Jerod, and Tylor. Tylor did a tattoo straight outta the ‘70s, complete with wizard stars. Jerod did an Indian girl that turned into a roller-skate girl under the UV. Pretty good tattoo. Brittany came out on top. She did a rock ’n’ roll girl that had all kinds of planets and laser beams ‘n’ shit going on under the UV. It was solid. That is one thing. Brittany’s tattoos are fucking in there. It’s not going anywhere. That is something that even Joe Capobianco can’t successfully do. His work and most of the other contestants’ tattoos are pretty washed out and shallow. Their shit-toos are gonna look turdariffic in a year.
Oooooh watch out. I said something bad about Joe. The fucking tattoo mafia is gonna come and put my ass in check. Seriously, what makes this cat so all that? I don’t get it. I guess I’m not supposed to. But what do I know? At least Ink Master had judges that are great tattooers.
I thought they would have put Teresa on the bottom. Oh yeah, and dumb-ass Derek got his ass handed to him by the judges. It was fucking crap. Yo’ dumb-ass, what was that about caliber and giving your client the best tattoo of his life? Oh yeah, I forgot you’re a weak-ass pinhead. But neither of them were voted into the bottom three by the top tattooers this week. The bottom three this week were: Kelly, Melvin and Dollarz. Kelly did an owl with a snake around it in UV ink. Derek’s was way worse. Kelly’s proportions were fucked up. Melvin’s and Dollarz were scratchtastic. But there can be only one, and that was Melvin.
At the end of the show, D.J. who should have also been on the bottom, flipped the fuck out. He was upset that Teresa didn’t go home. He said some shit about being a serious tattooer and that out of the 200 shops in Las Vegas that he is the only one they picked to be on the show. I know for a fact that the producers were calling a shit-ton of shops to get tattooers on the show, many of whom slammed the phone down and said “Fuck, no. I’m busy.” So D.J. you’re not all that, paisano. You just happened to be the only ego-driven dork who said, “Yes, sign me up.”
I’m done being a dick this for this week. Until next week. Real Talk.
Victor is a blogger for Tattoo Artist Magazine and can be found at: http://www.facebook.com/victhortheviking.
Read more from Victor here: http://tattooartistmagazineblog.com/?s=Victor+Farinelli
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